When Ringmaster was 9 years old they were living in a little small town and would frequently play at the school’s playground across the street. They would try to make friends with any kids that came to play. It wasn’t long before they ended up befriending their dad’s boss’s kids who lived just two blocks down. One was their age and the younger brother was a year or two younger than them. It was the end of August and they were on the trampoline at the boys’ house. It was hot outside and Ringmaster was wearing some jean short shorts. The kids were talking about Pokemon and showing each other their cards. They wanted to go inside and watch the Pokemon movie to which Ringmaster readily agreed. They had a slight little crush on the boy their age, Karl, and enjoyed spending time with him.
They were about halfway through the movie when Ringmaster’s dad’s boss, the boys’ stepdad, Kenny Bill, came home. He was talking with the boys’ mom in the kitchen, talking about how he needed a massage on his back. He then walked into the living room and asked the kids if they wanted to run errands with him. The boys said no, but Ringmaster eagerly agreed. They loved running errands with grownups at the time because there was always the possibility they would buy you a treat if you were well behaved. Kenny Bill told them to call their mom and let her know that they were going to run errands with him. They promptly did so.
Ringmaster hopped up in Kenny Bill’s truck and sat in the seat right next to the window, leaving the middle seat empty. It was an older truck with the big long bench seat. It had one of those scratchy multicolored seat covers on the seat and everything was covered in a light layer of dirt and dust. Kenny Bill hopped into the driver’s seat and asked them why they were sitting so far away, patting the middle seat and telling them to scootch closer. They unbuckled and did as they were told. They slid over and rebuckled where he had told them to sit, but they immediately felt uncomfortable being that close to him. He reeked of stale beer and cigarettes, and spittled a little with he talked. He had pulled out on the main street and drove right past where Ringmaster had thought they were going. They had assumed when they agreed to go with Kenny Bill that they were going to the massage place that was right in town, just a few blocks away from the house. They was wrong.
Kenny Bill drove right past where they had thought they were going, past Homer’s Grocery & Gas, and then turned down a road that they had not been down before. He fiddled with the radio while he smoked a cigarette and talked with them about random things. It wasn’t very long down the road before Kenny Bill put his hand on Ringmaster’s thigh and gripped it a little. The instant feeling of shame and repulsion was strong, but they had been taught to not make demands of adults. They got very still, except for their teeth. Every time they tried to talk their teeth would chatter and they would get shivers. Ringmaster didn’t know it then but that was one of the ways they display a panic attack. Kenny Bill gripped their thigh tighter but told them to roll up the window if they were feeling chilly because they hadn’t brought a jacket and all he had was the flannel he was wearing.
As Kenny Bill was driving down the winding road Ringmaster started to disassociate as Kenny Bill began to stroke and grip their thighs, inching their hand higher. He kissed and licked their hand leaving a slimey film on their skin. Ringmaster didn’t remember what roads they turned down or the direction driven, but they remembered bits of the scenery. There were so many trees, which was not uncommon for that area because it was Weyerhauser land. Kenny Bill started slowing down after they had been driving for a ways on a gravel road and then turned left. There was a mailbox that said Baker. This made their mind go on a daydream about bakers and bakeries. Kenny Bill pulled up to a small house, old, there was lots of foliage all over. He told Ringmaster to get out and come inside with him, and they did as they was told.
They walked inside the door and the inside of the house was not well lit, dingy, smoke hanging in the air, leaving a trail leading to a hunched over old man. He welcomed Kenny Bill and asked him who Ringmaster was. Kenny Bill told the old man that they were a friend of his kids’ and to not mind them, that they were a good girl. There were no chairs in the room, just a table in the middle of the room that was covered in a sheet. Ringmaster wasn’t sure what they should do so they stood by the door. The old man told Kenny Bill to lay down on the table on his stomach and that he’d have him “feeling right as rain in no time.” They conversed back and forth while Ringmaster tried to stand quietly, wishing they had brought a book to pass the time so instead they looked around the room. There were family photos on the walls, and there was a hallway across the room to the left.
After a few minutes, Kenny Bill beckoned them over to stand by the table next to him. His arms were hanging down the sides of the table, the old man was kneading his back. They were bickering back and forth about Kenny Bill’s health, the economy, the price of a coffee. Typical old man things. Ringmaster was zoning out on the conversation and started daydreaming when they felt something touch their legs. It was Kenny Bill’s hands. They were immediately yanked out of their daydream and felt sick to their stomach. They knew what he was doing was wrong, but felt frozen and stuck. Kenny Bill must have felt emboldened by the fact that his Massage Therapist couldn’t really see very far away because he slowly worked his hands up my thighs, gripping, squeezing, rubbing. It wasn’t long before his hands had found their way up to the bottom of the shorts. He kept trying to poke his fingers underneath the jean but they were too tight against the skin so instead he started squeezing Ringmaster’s butt and trying to rub his fingers between their legs. They squeezed my legs together as tightly as they could because they didn’t want this touch but didn’t feel they were allowed to say anything.
The massage therapist told Kenny Bill to turn over and he obliged. He immediately brought his hands back up to Ringmaster’s thighs before sliding them up to cup their butt cheeks. Ringmaster stared at the old man incredulously, silently begging him to look up to see what Kenny Bill was doing and stop him. The Massage Therapist never said a word, and he never looked up from what he was doing. They felt yucky, nauseous, sick, and filled with such deep shame, like they were the one that had done something wrong. That was one of the longest hours of their life.
They were elated when the time was up, thinking that they would just go back directly to his house and then they could go home and pretend nothing ever happened. They got back in Kenny Bill’s truck after he shook his massage therapist’s hand. Ringmaster tried once again to sit next to the window but Kenny Bill patted the middle section insisting that that is where he wanted them to sit instead. They sat in the middle, and his hand once again went to their thigh as he reversed back onto the gravel road, heading back towards town. He talked about this, that, and the other as he was driving but Ringmaster couldn’t pay attention to what he was saying. The drive back to town was a bit of a blur for them, but they do remember the feel that his calloused hands made on their legs, and holding back the feeling of wanting to vomit.
Before they knew it so much time had passed that they were turning back onto the main road and passing Homer’s. Kenny Bill pulled into the autobody shop next door to Homer’s and told Ringmaster that he needed to pickup a part for his truck. Ringmaster was thinking that once he parked they could open the truck door and run home. When Kenny Bill got out of the truck he told them to stay there and that they’d be going back to his house after. They kept repeating to themselves in their head that its just a couple of blocks home if they just open the door and run. Just open the door and run. Just open the door and run! They yelled that over and over to themself inside their head while they sat in the truck, frozen and unable to move. By time they got the courage to listen to themself Kenny Bill came out of the autobody shop and got into the truck. He noticed they had moved closer to the window and asked why. Ringmaster didn’t feel that he was going to be happy hearing the truth so they just told him that they got hot and wanted to feel a breeze. He accepted that and didn’t ask them to slide back next to him.
When they pulled back into his driveway they were getting ready to leap out when he asked them to wait, that he needed to talk to them. He handed them a dollar bill and asked them not to tell what he had done. Ringmaster took it, said ok, unbuckled, got out of the truck, hopped on their bike and pedaled home as fast as they could.
When they got home their mom surprised them as they walked into the apartment by telling them that it was housecleaning day. This was an unexpected change and they didn’t react well. They told their mom that they needed to go back to Kenny Bill’s really quick because they had forgotten their bike there. Their Mom told them fine, but to hurry back because they had to clean. Ringmaster rode their bike back to Kenny Bill’s and knocked on the door. When he answered they told him that they couldn’t lie to their mom and handed him the dollar bill back. Kenny Bill took it and told them he understood.
When they went back home the second time they collapsed on the floor and started to cry. They told their mom everything that had happened. She cried with them, and then yelled a lot while talking on the phone. Ringmaster felt dazed and just stared at the floor. They were filled with shame, anger, sadness, disgust.
The officer that came to the door was named Robert Lindsay. He let Ringmaster pick any stuffy they wanted from his trunk, which was FULL of them. Ringmaster picked one and didn’t let it go for weeks. They told Officer Lindsay what happened, he talked with their mom for a bit, and then asked them if they would be willing to take a ride with him and show him the route that Kenny Bill had taken them on. Ringmaster tried so hard to remember the way, but they ended up getting us lost multiple times. They have sadly never been very good with directions, but they tried so so hard. Officer Lindsay took them back home and asked their mom if she could take them to the police station to give a formal statement. Their mom asked them if they wanted to proceed, that she wouldn’t be mad or upset if they didn’t, but that she was with them every step of the way if they wanted to. move forward. They wanted to give their statement.
They got to the police station and were taken to a little room. They left Ringmaster for a bit before a woman came in and introduced herself. She asked them if they knew the difference between a truth and a lie. Ringmaster told her, “Well, a lie gets you in trouble and the truth doesn’t.” She looked at them funny and said, “The truth is what actually happened, and a lie is a made up story or fantasy.” They agreed and said, “Fantasy, like my books. I know the difference between fiction and nonfiction.” That must have been an acceptable answer because she moved on with her line of questioning. She asked them to state their name, birthdate, address, parents names. Then she asked them to tell her what had happened. She asked them what they had been wearing, and when they stood up to show her they were still wearing what they were wearing then she looked at them with so much judgement on her face. Ringmaster immediately felt even more shame, like they had done something wrong or deserved what had happened to them.
After questioning they immediately went to bed. They didn’t change. They just wanted to sleep, and Mom didn’t push it. Their dad called them and told them that he was sorry, but that he didn’t quite believe what they had said actually happened, but that even if it did he really needed the paycheck and wasn’t going to stop working for Kenny Bill, and that he hoped they understood his predicament. They said yes and started crying. They felt abandoned and depressed, like they didn’t matter. Their Mom took the phone and was very angry. She yelled a lot before hanging up. She gave them the biggest hug. How she kept it together so well after knowing what happened to them is a mystery, but it is something will never be forgotten. No matter what, she always believed them.
Kenneth William Carver spent two days in jail before all charges were dropped because they felt Ringmaster was parroting a story their mom had told them to say. They also said that due to Kenny Bill’s status within the community they didn’t feel that pressing charges was in the best interest of the town. Ringmaster’s heart was crushed. Kenny Bill’s wife blew up on their Mom at Homer’s, saying that her divorce was all their fault for “spreading our lies.” Kenny Bill Logging went out of business and Ringmaster’s dad ended up without a job anyways. He lived off unemployment for a bit before moving in with his old Birkland St neighbor in her new rental and getting a new job working as maintenance for base housing. But the rest of that Calamity is a tale for another day. Thankfully Kenny Bill died several years back, and he will rot in whatever Hell he believed in for the rest of eternity.
Leave a Reply